Dad died today

Why is it still a shock? I knew it was coming. I almost wanted it to come because he wasn't getting better, and I knew he would hate living like this. The night before I was told he was not eating, not even his favorite, chocolate Glucerma! I think he was living on that stuff for the past month. He is also not getting out of bed, sleeping a lot, and his mind was starting to show steps backward. But it is still a shock. What a strange feeling.

What is it like to not have a dad? To know that I soon will be the oldest member of our family, is another strange feeling. I am still thinking of the days in Detroit, playing in the lot next door. I always had parents, a mom and dad, the way it is supposed to be. I know I was fortunate in that way. How do you get along without a dad?

But this was the guy who was going to break the mold and live forever. He was always either healthy, or in denial of any health concerns. However, he was confident he would outlive everyone, because he always thought he was different than everyone.

My life seems to be in slow motion today. Still at work, I do better keeping busy. Besides, what can I do today? He is 12 hours away, and no final plans have been made. My desk is usually a flurry of emails, calls, people stopping asking questions. Today it is quiet, but then again it is Friday.

Lots of phone calls between my siblings and mom. Seems like we have been saying "I love you" to each other more than we probably ever have. Another strange feeling. Not saying it, just hearing it so much, Does death draw you closer to each other? How long does that closeness last?

Anyone I do see has to give me a hug. What is up with that? Why a hug? Because they don't know what else to do to show their compassion? I guess I would be doing the same thing, roles reversed. Afterall, it is socially accepted at times like these. And somehow, from certain people, it does invoke a sense of comfort, strange as that seems. The strange part is that is from people I would not have expected to feel comfort from, because I am not that close to them. Is this because they are an actual conduit of God? Am I feeling this comfort because it is coming directly from Him in these cases?

You sure learn a lot about yourself when someone close to you dies. I mean, heck, look at this, I am journaling! I hardly ever do this!

It is also interesting to hear comments that people say. Sometimes someone says something that just makes a head tilt. I was reminded that I probably gave him one of his best days since his stroke, the day Ed, MK and I actually got him out of the house and car shopping. It was a difficult task, and something in me actually enjoyed doing it. Another strange revelation. It was also brought to my attention that he died 4 month, to the day, after his stroke, now why does that matter?

This is all a dream, right? Not for real, right?