Monday, March 10, 2014

I’m so angry with you, dad!

This was not the way you supposed to do this dying thing. We were going to talk about it, we were going to make a plan, we were going to go through this together. You ruined it all, who else will understand it with me? Your mom was over 100 years old when she died, and you were only 85, I thought we had more time together.

I thought once it was over, it would be over. There would be nothing else and I would just have my memories. But that is not the case, I still think about it.

It has been said that everyone does the “I wish we had…” when someone dies. It appears that I am no different. I gave you a chance…came right out with the subject…but you said you were ok to keep on fighting the fight.

Maybe I am angry with me because I didn’t pursue the subject, maybe I am angry with me because I didn’t spend more time with you after your stroke, maybe I should have taken a leave from work to be with you more, maybe more time together would have made the conversation happen. Maybe by writing all of this I can finally let go of you, or maybe not.

You are gone, you have been for almost a year…so why do I still cry? You have lived a good life, a long life, a full life, why am I so selfish…because we had more to talk about, that’s why!!

I know this is all heart talking, my mind knows a whole different story. My mind knows that God is good and I will see you again, I actually have seen you a few times since your physical body left this earth. I wonder if that will continue, or if it will fade away.

Either way, you are my one and only earthly dad, I couldn’t have had a better one. You are still in my heart, I love you and always will.